The key to a good marriage is keeping the spark alive! 

And by “good”, I mean lots of physical attraction

…and by “spark” I mean after-work make-outs/feel-ups on the couch.

……. and by “alive” I mean, woohootime in the bed. Frequently.

So Piper ended up telling on her older sister… caught Joey as soon as he walked in the door… the news broke his heart…

“Daddy!  I saw Lola and Troy in your room and I heard slurping noises and EVERYTHING! What were they doing daaaadddyyy??”

Poor Joey…

He rehearsed and rehearsed but nothing can prepare a father for the talk he will inevitably have with his daughter about woohoo.  How detailed would he get?  Would he scare the shit out of her and immediately talk about diseases and babies and shit? He was clueless… however there was one thing he was sure of, he was pissed!

He wasted no time sitting Lola down and gave her the lecture of a lifetime.  Lola could have pissed herself!  “What the fuck is wrong with you Lola? My room?  WHAT DID YOU TO DO? I SWEAR IF YOU ….”

Lola assured him that they did nothing but kiss.  She wouldn’t disrespect his house like that, yadda yadda.  But the trust was broken.  Joey knew he didn’t like this kid for a reason… if he only knew it was his hot pants ass daughter that initiated it!

After the lecture he went into the gruesome details of woohoo… it was embarrassing for both of them but somehow they made it through the discussion….

Later that evening Lola (grounded and banished to her room) called Troy to tell him that her father found out.

Troy screamed so loud that Piper yelled for Lola to keep it down all the way from the next room.

Poor Troy…

Joey…

Couldn’t keep him away from his little dude.  He couldn’t wait to see him grow up which would be any day now.  As lil Joey’s birthday came closer and closer, Joey tried to convince Eloise that they needed just one more baby… Just one more!  Eloise gave it some thought, but after that long ass labor with Joe Jr, she wasn’t so sure she could do it again.

Meanwhile, things in the Markham household were moving along.  Peter was always around to keep the girls entertained while their parents worked.  Joey was close to reaching the top of his career and was gone more than usual.

Eloise …. still giving baby number five some thought … decided to start working off that baby weight.  The fresh air was good to her.  Her garden was good to her as well.  She took pride in it and working in it helped her relax.

Joey had a lot on his mind and when his brain was full he cleaned.

Currently, his daughter Lola and this little bastard named Troy was on his mind.  Sooner or later he was going to have to have “the talk”.

Poor Joey.

OMFG Lola….

She was really starting to let her hormones get the best of her..

She couldn’t wait for Pete and her dad to go fishing (like they did every weekend when they weren’t working on the house of course).  Audrey was studying with a friend, lil Joey was asleep and her mom was working.  Piper was in her room working on some random experiment.

Perfect time for company.

As soon as her dad and uncle Pete closed the car door she rushed to her phone and texted Troy “Come over!"  Troy was there before she could hit send!  They watched about 15 minutes of a movie before Lola got hot.  And I don’t mean turn-down-the-temperature hot, I mean HOT.  She pulled Troy down the hallway into her dad’s office. 

"Don’t worry, they will be gone for hours.”  See, Troy was deathly afraid of her dad and Pete because clearly they would beat his little ass if they knew what was going on.  Lola tried seducing him and his little hormones couldn’t take it and his pants started to grow in the front… before he could try and hide it, Lola went in for the kiss (daaaaaaaaaamn Lo!!).

It was their first kiss and it was a wet, sloppy, hot mess.  She pulled him to her parent’s room and he trotted behind, pulling at the front of his pants.

(Lola you are SO fucking grounded.. your parents room?  Really? This tea tho….)

Lola couldn’t hold back.  Everyone at school was talking about “WooHoo” and she wanted to do it too!  So did Troy, but his conscious slapped his dick and told it take a seat….

“Lo, I really like you.  I mean like, really I do.  But i don’t think we should do this, let’s take it slow for now, we don’t have to rush.  Will you…. will you be my girlfriend and we can just do that whole thing?”

Yasssssssss honey!  Why can’t grown ass men be like that?  But I digress...

Lola tried to protest talkin’ about “It won’t take long” and “no one is even here” and “my parents won’t be back for hours.”

Once she realized she didn’t even know what goes where during woohoo she cooled off and told Troy she’d be honored to be his girlfriend.

And that was that… Except….

Piper saw the whole thing…. Somebody’s in trouble ya’ll.

So just as Joey was getting used to life with four children, one being the most amazing little boy in the world, Audrey was busy going through puberty.  In fact, Piper, the youngest of the three girls, found it quite hilarious that Audrey’s face was covered in little pimples and her boobs were getting bigger.  She teased her about her “gramps” (Lola told her about cramps, but she couldn’t say that for whatever reason), about her “diapers” (pads).. pretty much everything. 

Audrey was not amused.  Poor Audrey.

However when it came time to celebrate, everyone was full of cheer.  Eloise baked her signature birthday cake (a cake so scrumptious, so fresh, moist, chocolately, ooey, gooey and delicious that people from blocks over requested her cakes for THEIR parties!) and lit candles.  Everyone gathered around to sing sweet Audrey a special happy birthday song.

Audrey grew into a beautiful teenage girl, just a few years younger than Lola.  As everyone headed to bed, Lola gave tips to Audrey on high school, boys and bras.  They were turning into the best of friends.

As the weeks went by, Joey and Pete were put to work yet again.  Audrey out-right refused to share a room with her sister Piper.  So, after a weekend of hard work, a wall went up right through the middle of their room.   What teenager doesn’t need their privacy?

Joey and Pete have been quite busy since Joey Junior’s birth!

First, they had to add on to the house… again!  As the family grows, so, too, does their home.  The way El and Joey figure, adding on to the house is more cost-efficient than packing up and moving.  Besides, there are so many memories here.  This is where they were engaged and where they brought home their very first baby.

She had a great garden that was growing too.  And it’s not like she could just pack it up and take it with them.  They decided that no matter how large their family grew, they would call this place home forever.

Peter and Joey decided the best way to exapnd was toward the river where they had more land.  They opened up Joey’s office and pushed in Lola’s room.  They were able to then add a room for lil Joey.  It was small, but it worked.  They pushed in Audrey and Piper’s room a bit too.  Everything turned out nicely.

Icing on the cake?

Eloise got an updated kitchen out of the deal.  New paint, cabinets, appliances, flooring and new dining chairs!  And the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake?  They expanded the master bedroom to make it larger (with plans in the future to add a bathroom in there), added new paint and carpet.  Their bedroom furniture could use an update but they decided to hold off.  They had already dipped way too far into their savings (which, by the way, was growing exponentially since Joey kept getting promoted).

Welcome to the world Joseph Reece Markham Jr. !!

(aka JDubb, Junior, JJ, Lil Joey, etc. etc.)

That’s right! After three beautiful girls, Joey and Eloise welcomed a handsome son to their family.  Eloise was beside herself.  He was perfect!  After the worst labor of her life, she was just in awe at how much beauty she and Joey created.  Through tears, she yelled out that it was a boy.  When Joey heard the sound of the B in the word boy he almost caught the holy ghost….. They were words he had been waiting to hear for years now.

He stared at his son like he was looking at his own reflection.  He told his son about all the fun they were going to have cracking jokes, fishing, barbequing and ganging up on the girls.

Awwwww Joey.

El’s water broke right at the dinner table, this time labor came with a force and fury that she hadn’t experienced with her girls.

Let us just take a moment and bow our heads for poor Eloise….

Joey tried to provide as much comfort as he could before Pete got there to pick up the girls but nothing was working.  Eloise was writhing and screaming in pain, there was no way they were going to make it to the hospital.  This revelation completely freaked Joey the freak out. 

Peter finally arrived and he and Joey got the girls’ things and packed them up.  They’d be spending the weekend with Peter and Cherry. However, by this time, Eloise had managed to get to the master bedroom where she planned to deliver the baby. 

She prayed, she cursed… she cried… Labor was never this intense before.. EVER.

Poor Eloise…

Lola wasn’t the only one growing up…. 

Troy was a friend she’d known since 3rd grade.  As they got older, she started to see him as just a little bit more than a friend.  The feeling was certainly mutual.  Whenever they could, they hung out.

Of course this did not go unnoticed by Joey who desperately wanted to meet this dude.

When he finally did, he could have ripped his face off and fed it to him.  It’s not that Troy was a bad guy, it’s just… you see…

No one “dates” his Lolaboo.  No one.

Poor Joey…

Happy Birthday Lola Marie!!! ❤

Hope you love your new bedroom that your daddy and uncle Pete built for you! 

It won’t be long now. 

Lola is about to grow up ya’ll!  But first, she was content with spending as much time just being a kid as possible.  She had become best friends with Christy and her two sisters.  Always at the park.  Always on the monkey bars.  I mean, who doesn’t enjoy trips to the park with their homegirls?

Eloise had become a star in the kitchen since you last heard from her.  I mean, she’s been throwing DOWN.  Lobster dishes? Lamb chops? Say whaaaaaaaaat?  As long as Joey kept bringing home those dollar bills, El could pull off anything she wanted in the kitchen.

So let’s see.. Lola is growing up, El is doing her thang.  And Baby Audrey?  Well, as you can see, she is no longer “baby” Audrey.  She has grown up. Wiping her butt by herself and everything. One thing about Audrey is she absolutely adores her big sister.  She follows her everywhere, does everything Lola does.  She wants to be just like her.  Time will surely tell.

Oh and Peter?  He was designated babysitter while El and Joey worked.  If you needed to know any of the playground gossip, go to Pete. 

He’s got the goods!

A day in the life of Joey and his family. 

Pretty soon, Lola will be buying pimple cream and maxi pads.  At least she has her best friend Christy to go to the store with.  And now that baby Audrey is getting bigger, Joey is planning on remodeling Lolaboo’s room. 

……and probably dropping the “boo” from her name too. 

Poor Joey.

She’s getting a little too big for all the toys.  Even if she will be sharing a room with her sister, she’ll need her own “big girl” space.  She’s also a B student now after much hard work.  No really, that’s REALLY hard! 

Labor for baby number two has officially begun and this time, it came with a vengeance! 

Poor Joey, all he could do was stand around and smile.  When El went into labor Joey was like a little kid full of excitement.  El was about to slap the shit out of him because, you know, labor hurts… but he offered to massage her to help.  It most certainly helped.

Off to the hospital they went, ready to welcome home Lola’s new baby brother or sister.